Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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