my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
