at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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