So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
