My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
