My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
