I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
are you so shy because you have an std?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
