I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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