You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Never joke about your clitoris.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
