I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
