I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
