I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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