Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
