We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
