my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
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The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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