when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
