About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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