The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
