god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
