If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I supernannyed him into submission
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
