guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
smell my finger.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
