I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
