Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
