i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
