The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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