FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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