dude i'm inner monologue high
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
