BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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