Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
