the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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