A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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