New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
