You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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