Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm both gender and math confused
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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