I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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