Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I need to calm my uterus...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize