God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
