I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
