My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
