Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
