Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
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i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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