how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
