dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
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All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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