Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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