Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
