Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
