Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
