I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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