I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
