I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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