I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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