tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
