Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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