i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
