Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
