why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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