I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
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After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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